The beginnings of a relationship can be so exciting. All you can do is think about the other person. You only want to spend time with them and do everything you can to make them happy. But if you still feel this way after years in, you could be in a codependent relationship.
“What’s wrong with that?” you might think.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make your partner happy. But what is wrong is when you lose yourself in the process.
You Are In a Codependent Relationship If…
One or both of you consistently put the needs and desires of the other person above your own. The consequence here is that your happiness and sense of fulfillment is contingent almost entirely on your partner.
Because you are so wrapped up in the other person, you may be less apt to recognize that your own needs are not really being met. But it’s not too late to do so and change the course of your relationship’s dynamic.
Be honest. Do you notice any of the following characteristics in yourself and/or your partner?
- Needing approval from others
- Caring deeply what others think
- Doing whatever is needed to avoid conflict, including automatically taking blame or apologizing for something
- Minimizing your own desires, to the point of feeling guilty or anxious when you do anything for yourself
- Focusing on what you can do for the other person, even if it means self-sacrifice
- Mirroring your partner’s emotions or opinions instead of your own
- Continually trying to solve your partner’s problems
- Fear of rejection or abandonment
If you or your partner experience any of these things on a regular basis–not just temporarily–they are the earmarks of a codependent relationship. It’s not healthy for either one of you. But there are things you can do to change things.
Or maybe you don’t experience any of these things. In that case, your relationship could fall into one of two other categories.
Other Types of Relationship Dependence
Dependence in a relationship is not always a bad thing. You may depend on your other person for affection and for a bit of strength at times when you feel weak. But, as with so many things, moderation is key. You want balance.
Independence
This is essentially the opposite of codependency. Someone who is wholly independent relies solely on themselves to feel comfortable or fulfilled.
Someone who is independent could also be characterized as “afraid of commitment.” They can’t seem to let their guard down, or trust that they will get any sort of real emotional support from a partner.
Not only does an overly independent person not gain anything from their partner, they aren’t able to give anything back either. In this case, it’s almost like, why bother being in a relationship at all?
Interdependence
An interdependent relationship is the ideal. It is a balanced relationship that accounts for each person’s needs equally. It allows each person to thrive as an individual as well as lean on each other as needed as a unified couple.
Couples that are interdependent include two self-actualized people. They don’t rely on each other for their sense of self-worth. But they do rely on one another for affection and an occasional shoulder to cry on.
The main difference between this and codependence is that interdependent people want to be together, but they don’t need to be together.
How to Get to Interdependency
The main question here is, how do you nurture yourselves as individuals while also maximizing the emotional bond and support you provide each other through your relationship?
Even if you fear you are in a codependent relationship, there are ways to shift things over to interdependence. The first step is recognizing your codependent tendencies. Then, you can do the work to find more balance in your relationship.
To transition from codependency to interdependency, you can try:
- Professional therapy. A couples’ therapist in particular can help you both with your individual hang-ups, as well as your ability to communicate with and trust each other.
- Doing things apart. If there’s something that you used to love doing but don’t do it currently, try taking it up again. And if there’s something that your partner likes to do and you don’t, let them do it alone or with someone else.
- Establishing some boundaries. Try to recognize what doesn’t feel good. And aim to identify and stop codependent behaviors like fixing your partner’s problems or requiring their opinion before doing something.
If you are, indeed, in a codependent relationship, it will be challenging to create a more balanced dynamic. But ultimately, you owe it to yourselves to be the happy and confident individuals you both can be before you can truly be a happy and confident couple.
For more information about how to improve your relationship and/or keep it healthy and strong, be sure to read the PeopleFinders Blog.
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